First of all, when I say THE TRUTH ABOUT DIVORCE, I am not talking about the things that most individuals, already know:
- divorce is hard
- you will get through it
- things get easier.
No, when I say THE TRUTH ABOUT DIVORCE, I am talking about the things most people don’t, or won’t, talk about. The things that can occur, and do occur, some of which, may affect you for the rest of your life.
This post is a brutally honest post from someone that has experienced divorce and still handing the truths discussed below. Grab a cuppa, and read The Truth About Divorce.
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The Truth About Divorce
The best thing to do is to recognize and accept that you may get jealous, and learn your own ways to handle and cope
It Changes ALL the Dynamics Between Family & Friends
As much as everyone would like to remain impartial, for the most part, sides will be chosen and lines will be drawn. It will change how you interact with your family & friends, from what you say, to what you do. It may change how, and if, you interact with your ex-spouse’s family.
You may also LOSE friends, and not just mutual friends, either. You may also lose touch with certain family members.
BUT. These changes aren’t ALWAYS a bad thing.
For example, I can have discussions with my sister in law about sex, whereas before? It was something we would NEVER discuss before.
The relationship between me and my sister in law has grown stronger. I am also closer to my ex’s aunt (my aunt in law? is that a thing?) than I was before.
The bond between my mother and me has also, gotten stronger. She was there for me throughout the process. Other friendships, not related at all to us as a couple, are stronger too.
However it goes, just know that things will NOT be the same, and that can be just as painful, if not more so, like in my case, as losing your ex.
You Will, Get Jealous
It will happen. If it doesn’t, then you are in denial or just flat out lying to yourself.
Whether it be because it seems your ex is moving on, is in serious relationship, starting a new family, or it could be as simple and petty as them having things that you don’t. There are many things you could, get jealous of.
I’ve been in a committed relationship since before my divorce was final. We’re happy and I am in a MUCH better place than I was before. Yet, there are times when my kids tell me something about what their dad is doing or something he has, like a brand new car, that makes me jealous.
It’s not because I want those things with him. But because I wonder why things weren’t like that for US, and wonder why HE can have a new car, when I struggle to pay some bills. I usually find myself wondering if it was ME. But the reality is it doesn’t matter.
The best thing to do is to recognize and accept that you may get jealous, and learn your own ways to handle and cope.
Kids Pick Up On the Small Things & They’ll Use It
If you have kids, they will pick up on the smallest of things after a divorce.
The slight pauses when asked a question, facial expressions, etc. They aren’t stupid, and honestly, they will use whatever they can to get what they want.
In my situation, my ex is a lot more lenient when it comes to school and not doing chores, or other things that are expected of them. I get the, “but I don’t have to do this at dad’s,” and it makes me feel guilty and terrible.
And they know it.
Make sure you and your ex can come to a solid agreement and plan when it comes to co-parenting because the smallest of gaps or holes will be found and your kids will use it! The wicked devils.
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You Finances Will Change Drastically
Whether or not you are going from a two-person income to a one-person income, there are other aspects of your finances that will change, that a lot of people don’t know about.
Did you know, it’s likely your car insurance will increase? It’s also possible for your medical insurance and life insurance to increase, as well. Why? Because companies believe you are less likely to be A RISK if you are married.
Your entire lifestyle may change. You may have to start living a bit more frugally and give up things that you once loved. It may also be difficult to continue to give your kids, if you have them, the things they had before the divorce.
It’s very freeing, yet a tedious thing, to start from scratch when it comes to finances.
There is a darker side to you that you didn’t even know existed.
Divorce Brings Out the Worst in People, Even You
The Truth About Divorce? Divorce is UGLY. Even the most amicable situations can take a drastic turn and you will find that it brings out the worst in people.
Even you.
When you bring children, money, assets, pets, or anything else that you feel is yours, or better WITH you, into the discussion, things change. You find fairly quickly that you will do anything to get it, and you start to realize there is a darker side of you that you didn’t even know existed.
I never EVER lied about my ex, but there were things about our past and each other that I swore would never leave my mouth that has come to light. And, some of those things I’ve thought about using against him to get my full custody of my children.
Selfish? Absolutely. I won’t deny that.
Try try TRY to remain true to yourself. Recognize the dark and ugly side and work to get past it. You don’t want to say or do anything that you would regret one day.
You’ll Be A Different Person
As with any life event, it changes you. Sometimes, for the good. Sometimes, for the bad.
However you come out, you won’t come out unscathed, and you won’t come out the same. It changes you. You will be a different person.
It changes how you handle new relationships. It changes how you handle current relationships. It changes how you look at yourself. It changes your OUTLOOK on basically everything.
It also changes little things. Like, why my feelings for romance changed. Yet, I don’t feel like I’ve changed per se, I feel like I am the person I’ve always wanted and needed to be because now, I CAN BE.
I hear all the time, “you’re so different,” and my reply is always the same, THIS IS ME.
Whether or not any changes in you are subtle/massive, intentional/unintentional, they will happen. Don’t fight it, accept it.
Let’s Chat
What is YOUR Truth About Divorce? Anything eye-opening, or something new you didn’t know? Agree or Disagree with anything? Let’s chat!
Tonyalee is an avid reader, gym junkie, coffee addicted workaholic, and blogger. Be sure to follow on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram for random shenanigans.
3 Comments
Oh girl, I feel. Divorce is so MESSY. I don’t even know where to start! Mine was… messier than most if you can imagine (hah!) though we were SEPARATING before my ex-husband went to jail, that threw more complications in things than you could even imagine. And like- I feel like it’s just stuff that you cannot even have comprehended before going through it, you know? It’s so funny because I was so SURE that the “typical” divorce problems wouldn’t phase me because I had been building the courage to leave for… well, longer than we’d even been married. There weren’t hurt feelings, there were *no* feelings whatsoever. So I figured it’d be fine, right? Well life laughed at me hard, because nothing is easy when your ex-spouse goes to prison. When you go from stay-at-home Mom to on your own completely with two kids and no income literally overnight. All of that said, and as much hell as it’s been, it is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me. I realize in hindsight how completely emotionally abusive he was, and bonus, I don’t have to interact with his family, woooo! I am so glad that you are doing well, and also that you posted such an honest post! I have a feeling it will resonate with a LOT of women!
Shannon @ It Starts at Midnight recently posted…Monthly Minutes at Midnight: April 2020
You have brought up so many true points in this post. I was shaking my head the entire time I was reading it.
It’s good to know that you were able to build a better relationship with your sister-in-law even after processing the divorce. My husband’s sister has also been a witness to our relationship and we both think that ending it would be the best choice for us and the kids. It might be better to finally discuss this with my husband before seeking someone who can help us with divorce mediation.