Before I made the decision to “shut down” After Hours at Lilybloombooks, I was using it as a personal outlet for life confessions and musings. I didn’t have many before I closed down shop, but it was my outlet. I’ve thought about posting more personal posts here too, and here we are! And honestly, I put a lot of myself into all of my discussion posts. Even reviews, but never to the extent that I did on After Hours.
It’s easy to write these posts. Like, really easy. This was what my first blog was; random musing of a stay at home mom. The hard part? It’s hitting publish. There’s something scary about putting your thoughts, feelings, insecurities and the like out there for hundreds or thousands of people to read. Not like that’s how many will read this, but you get what I’m saying. I’m always afraid to be judged or… I don’t know, be accused of attention seeking? It’s what a lot of people think, right? Or maybe that’s me.
Yet here I am, and here you are, reading my random thoughts that tend to get dark. #scary.
I wish I could pinpoint the one thing I want to purge from my brain, or “get over.” I have SO many thoughts and feelings and insecurities and just… I’m not in a good place right now. But when it comes to finding the source of the dark spot that’s seeping into the deepest depths of my thoughts, poisoning everything that I think about or touch, there isn’t ONE THING.
I feel like I’ve fallen so far down that when I look up, I can’t see the start of the spiral I’m sliding down. I can’t see where I slipped and things started to look so, and be so, bleak. And freaking HARD. It’s scary. It’s scary because for so long, I thought I was okay. I thought I was happy and go lucky and just, OKAY. But I’m not.
Sad thing is, I have people in my corner. I know that, if I need to, there are people I can call right now, or text or email and they’ll listen. But are they, though? Listening, that is. You can listen to someone and not really hear them. And I feel like that’s where I’m at. I feel like I’m screaming in a room full of people and no one HEARS ME. Some are so worried about their own problems and opinions there’s NO ROOM for me. It makes me feed awful to say that; like I’m slapping those in the face because they’re like, “YEAH, I FREAKING HEAR YOU.” Or, when someone tells me they ARE there, but are they?
But I just… I don’t know.
I’m also scared that I will pull them down with me. I mean, who wants to listen to me talk about how shitty my day was, or how not good enough I feel, or how mad I am for whatever reason? Nobody. People get tired of it. I mean, no, I’m not dark like that all the time but lately, it’s felt that way. It’s just easier for me to pull away, ya know?
Anyway. I told you I tend to get dark. I could go on for hours but I feel like I’ve said what I needed to for now. I DO feel good in the fact that I’ve made the decision to not fall any further, and I hope I can find something to grab to hold me up so I don’t slip. Besides that, I think the next part of all this is finding what do to next. Where do I start? What “problem” do I work on first? I don’t have that answer yet, but I feel better about the fact that I’m looking. Even though I don’t see the light, at least I’m looking for it.
*If you want to share any thoughts in the comments, go right ahead! If not, thanks for reading! 🙂
Tonyalee is an avid reader, gym junkie, coffee addicted workaholic, and blogger. Be sure to follow on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram for random shenanigans.