I wouldn’t be surprised if the first thing that popped into your head was, “Wait, what do you mean What I Wish I Could Say to My Children’s Step-Mom? Don’t you communicate?“
The simple answer is, no, she won’t speak to me.
Divorce was hard and scary, but one of the things I dreaded the most was having to, eventually, deal with my children’s step-mom. For all intents and purposes, my step-dad became my Dad. My step-mom, however, was an awful person and became the main thing that came between my biological father and me.
I don’t want that for my children.
My ex and I discussed at length before our divorce that we would try our hardest to be amicable, and be on the same page across the board when it came to co-parenting, and if/when we got new partners.
While, for the most part, we are on the same page when it comes to co-parenting our boys, he is adamant that our partners not be included in raising our children. That, combined with her refusal to speak with me, is frankly a huge issue.
But, if/when I am given a chance, this is what I would say to her.
What I Wish I Could Say to My Children’s Step-Mom
There are three sides to every story. His, mine, and the truth.
I’m Not Your Enemy
We can’t be friends, but we aren’t enemies, either. We should be a Team, we NEED to be a Team. I don’t say or do anything to hurt you, while it might come across that way. Or maybe you’ve been told that. I honestly don’t often think of you at all when it comes to any decisions I make regarding the boys. Simply because we don’t communicate.
And, just so you know, I don’t want him. There shouldn’t be any reason to feel threatened by me in that aspect. I only call or message to discuss things related to our children. It didn’t work out for us, but I hope it does for you. You probably deserve each other.
Don’t Believe Everything You Hear About Me
There are three sides to every story. His, mine, and the truth. Before you pass judgment or believe what you’re hearing, remember that.
Heaven knows what you have been told about me, and maybe some of what you have heard is true. I can only assume it isn’t very flattering since you have refused to speak with me. Which, maybe you haven’t, and that is what I’m being told.
Yet, if I were in your position, I would want to meet me. I would want to know the mother of my step-children, the woman that is raising my partner’s children. I would want to work with her so we can build a relationship for them.
Help Me, Help You
Tell me: what can I do to help you build a strong, loving relationship with my boys? Do you need advice? Pointers? Are you struggling to connect to them for any reason? I can’t help.
HELP ME HELP YOU.
I’m afraid my children will love you, more than they love me
Don’t Talk Bad About Me Around My Children
I repeat. Do not talk negatively about me around my children. And discourage your partner and anyone else that does, too. You can think what you want about me. You can SAY whatever you want about me. Hell, you can dislike me, and I understand if you do. But when you want to vent about me or discuss me in ANY capacity, my children don’t need to be around it. Period.
I’m Afraid of You
That’s just the truth of it. I’m afraid my children will love you more than they love me. I’m so scared they will want to be with you, more than me. It may not be a logical thing, but the fear is there.
I’m afraid to be replaced.
It’ll Take Time
We are behind a bit since we haven’t been communicating. So it’ll take time to iron out the kinks. To get to know each other a little bit. To learn how each other thinks. And how to communicate effectively. As long as you are here for the long haul, we have all the time in the world.
Just be honest. Be kind. Be respectful. And be a good parent to my boys, and we will be fine.
-Tonyalee
Let’s Chat
Honestly, there’s probably more I want, and shoud, say to my children’s step-mom. But those are the things on the top of my list to say and discuss.
- Are you a step parent, or do your children have a step parent? How do you effectly commununicate with them?
Tonyalee is an avid reader, gym junkie, coffee addicted workaholic, and blogger. Be sure to follow on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram for random shenanigans.
17 Comments
<3333 well said
Thanks love.
Gosh this is such a raw and honest post. hats off to you for writing it. i’m sorry to hear things aren’t civil between you and your children’s new step-mum. i’ve never been in a step-parent situation but i’m sure it’s not the easiest thing at the best of times xxx
Jennifer Marston recently posted…Things You Shouldn’t Ignore For Good Overall Health
You could say they’re civil because we don’t interact lol it’s not tense or anything.
But thanks, it was hard to write!
This post has tugged at my heart strings! Rosie
Rosie Ireland recently posted…I’m in Berkshire Life Magazine!
<3 <3 <3
I hope that you get the chance to say these things to her for real sometime soon. I agree that it can’t be healthy for your kids to have parents who don’t speak to each other.
Nicole @ Feed Your Fiction Addiction recently posted…Six Degrees of Separation: Fleishman Is in Trouble to The Lunar Chronicles
yeah, it’s not. but they know and see me interact fine with their dad, so that’s a positive.
This was such a good post. I hope your children’s stepmom finds peace soon.
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thank you! and yes, me too!
Thank you. ANd yes, me too!
This is a hot topic! It’s complicated manage such situations, but as you wrote be respectful is the most important thing!
Thank for sharing
Is it? haha sad maybe, but i didn’t even realize that. I hope things improve for us, but we shall see!
What an honest post. I really do hope one day you will be able to talk to each other.
Thank you!
This is such an interesting and heartfelt post! As someone who’s parents divorced when I was 7, I have dealt with step-parents for a looong time now. I hadn’t ever considered quite how hard it must be for the parents to see these new people enter their children’s lives. If I could reassure you of anything, it’s that no step-parent can take your place. You are your children’s mother and they’ll hold that close to them. I hope that things between you and her become a little easier and you’re able to communicate more. You’re a strong understanding person for even wanting that so my heart is with you! x
Bethany Jane recently posted…Staying Hydrated with Waterdrop.* [AD | Gifted]
I’ve asked my mom about it, how she handled it with my stepmom and the parameters with my stepdad, and she’s been helpful. I never thought it was hard for her, and she hid a lot, for sure, but that was for my best interest.
Thank you, that is nice to hear. It’s such an overpowering feeling that my boys’ won’t want to be with me or around me anymore.