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Let’s Get Personal | The Dark Times We Face

» 30 May, 2016 » Lets get personal » 3 comments

Before I made the decision to “shut down” After Hours at Lilybloombooks, I was using it as a personal outlet for life confessions and musings. I didn’t have many before I closed down shop, but it was my outlet. I’ve thought about posting more personal posts here too, and here we are! And honestly, I put a lot of myself into all of my discussion posts. Even reviews, but never to the extent that I did on After Hours.

It’s easy to write these posts. Like, really easy. This was what my first blog was; random musing of a stay at home mom. The hard part? It’s hitting publish. There’s something scary about putting your thoughts, feelings, insecurities and the like out there for hundreds or thousands of people to read. Not like that’s how many will read this, but you get what I’m saying.  I’m always afraid to be judged or… I don’t know, be accused of attention seeking? It’s what a lot of people think, right? Or maybe that’s me.

Yet here I am, and here you are, reading my random thoughts that tend to get dark. #scary.

I wish I could pinpoint the one thing I want to purge from my brain, or “get over.” I have SO many thoughts and feelings and insecurities and just… I’m not in a good place right now. But when it comes to finding the source of the dark spot that’s seeping into the deepest depths of my thoughts, poisoning everything that I think about or touch, there isn’t ONE THING.

It’s many.

I feel like I’ve fallen so far down that when I look up, I can’t see the start of the spiral I’m sliding down. I can’t see where I slipped and things started to look so, and be so, bleak. And freaking HARD. It’s scary. It’s scary because for so long, I thought I was okay. I thought I was happy and go lucky and just, OKAY. But I’m not.

Sad thing is, I have people in my corner. I know that, if I need to, there are people I can call right now, or text or email and they’ll listen. But are they, though? Listening, that is. You can listen to someone and not really hear them. And I feel like that’s where I’m at. I feel like I’m screaming in a room full of people and no one HEARS ME. Some are so worried about their own problems and opinions there’s NO ROOM for me. It makes me feed awful to say that; like I’m slapping those in the face because they’re like, “YEAH, I FREAKING HEAR YOU.” Or, when someone tells me they ARE there, but are they?

But I just… I don’t know.

I’m also scared that I will pull them down with me. I mean, who wants to listen to me talk about how shitty my day was, or how not good enough I feel, or how mad I am for whatever reason? Nobody. People get tired of it. I mean, no, I’m not dark like that all the time but lately, it’s felt that way. It’s just easier for me to pull away, ya know?

Anyway. I told you I tend to get dark. I could go on for hours but I feel like I’ve said what I needed to for now. I DO feel good in the fact that I’ve made the decision to not fall any further, and I hope I can find something to grab to hold me up so I don’t slip. Besides that, I think the next part of all this is finding what do to next. Where do I start? What “problem” do I work on first? I don’t have that answer yet, but I feel better about the fact that I’m looking. Even though I don’t see the light, at least I’m looking for it.

*If you want to share any thoughts in the comments, go right ahead! If not, thanks for reading! 🙂

Tonyalee is an avid reader, gym junkie, coffee addicted workaholic and blogger. Be sure to follow on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram for random shenanigans.


3 responses to “Let’s Get Personal | The Dark Times We Face

  1. Lindsay

    Love you T! You know I’m in your corner and I’m always here to talk if you need it. I’m proud of you for sharing your thoughts and hopefully it’ll help you dig out of this hole.

  2. Genesis @ Latte Nights Reviews

    Hun, I totally understand you. I’ve been where you are and there are days where I still feel that way. But as you said, you’ve put a stop to keep falling down that spiral, or at least trying your hardest not to and that’s great! Once you recognize what’s going on, you either decide to shrug and keep falling or pick yourself up and that’s what you’re doing: picking yourself up and opening up. You’re a wonderful woman from what I’ve seen on your blog and social media. You went out of your way to be there for Erica (from Novel Ink) and that to me speaks volumes. You’re also a great, devoted mother and I’m sure you’re children are one of the reasons why you continue to fight.
    Believe it or not, people who care for you will want to know what’s going on and they will listen and hear you out. Sometimes they won’t understand but they will try to be there for you no matter what. Don’t let this grow inside of you because it will eat you. Open up to those who you know you can count on at 3 AM. That you know they will answer and be there for you no matter what. Hell, I’m here for you. I’m not the greatest at giving advice but what I’m good at is listening and letting the other person vent. Sometimes that’s all we need: to get things off our chest so we don’t carry it alone. I truly hope you continue to move forward and keep thriving to be better. I know you can do it and I know you will succeed.
    Genesis @ Latte Nights Reviews recently posted…4 reasons to read One Lucky Hero by Codi GaryMy Profile

  3. Nicole @ Feed Your Fiction Addiction

    I’m not sure how I missed this post when you first wrote it, but I’m just seeing it now. First off, I hope things are looking less bleak for you – I’ve definitely gone through times where I just felt so alone – even with lots of people around me. I have friends, but I don’t feel like I have any friends – people I can go to or just call up and say, “Hey, I need to talk right now.” And the blogging world makes some things easier, but it’s not the type of super deep relationships we’d like in our lives, right? Anyway, that’s babbling a bit, but I hope you find your way. And I hope you reach out to the people in your life – I know it’s hard to get past insecurities and the wondering if they really care, but I think we sometimes don’t give people enough credit just because we’re self-conscious. Sending thoughts (and prayers – though I don’t know that you believe in those, it won’t hurt if I send them too) your way!

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